Things Not Meant To Be
by Quaggy
Summary: A series of four fics that take a much darker look at the future of the Santos Administration and of Josh and Donna's relationship that I normally take. The series title is from the James Taylor song "Long Ago And Far Away."
1. Back Against The Wall

Title: Back Against The Wall  
Series: Things Not Meant To Be (Part 1 of 4)  
Originally published: April 7, 2007  
Rating: Strong PG-13 (mainly for swearing)  
Summary: Josh and Donna deal with the aftermath of a very bad day.

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_Where do those golden rainbows end..._

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_April 2009_

His back was up against the wall. Both figuratively and literally. He was sitting on the floor watching his wife pack for a trip that now had no scheduled end date. And there was nothing he could do about it.

"This wasn't the way it was supposed to be," Josh said wearily, as he let his head fall back against the wall behind him, the tension that had left him earlier slowly returning.

"Yet, here we are," Donna sighed, trying to make order out of her suitcase and the mess they had recklessly made when they had first gotten home.

"It's all turned to shit."

"What did you expect, Josh?"

"I don't know," he shot back, matching her intense tone—not quite yelling... but close. "Something sure as hell different from this! What did you expect?"

"I expected fidelity," she said with quiet dignity and knelt beside him so she could better see his face.

"Well, that was your first fucking mistake... or mine, depending on how you look at it," he sneered.

He let his head roll towards her and their eyes met. They stared at each other for a beat. Two. And then they were in each other's arms holding on for dear life, each simultaneously reaching for the other. Donna swung an arm and leg over him as Josh practically dragged her across his body, both of them trying to get as close as they possibly could. The day... week... year had been long. Far too long. And it seemed like they had been at odds for most of it. Right now, it seemed that the best way to survive this was by simply clinging to each other.

"If you ever cheated on me, I think I'd kill you," Donna mumbled into somewhere between Josh's neck and collarbone.

"I'd deserve it. Good thing the President already has protection." That elicited a weak laugh from Donna, but her head remained buried as she began to run her hand gently up and down her husband's bare back, reveling in the feel of his warm skin against her palm. This is what had been missing earlier. Even though the results had been more than satisfying physically, their actions had been motivated by sorrow and desperation and had done nothing to solve either. But just sitting like this was soothing her frayed emotions.

"Thank you for not telling me," she sighed.

"I don't like keeping secrets from you. I hated this one, especially. But I couldn't put you in that position. No one should have to tell their boss that her husband is having an affair. And the last thing Mrs. Santos needed was to think that her staff was keeping things from her."

"You're right there. I don't think I could have faked my shock if I'd known." There was something in Donna's voice that worried Josh. She was even more upset than he'd expected. Something more than the time bomb the President had let explode today had shaken her.

"It's an uncomfortable enough situation without having to act, drama minor aside." When that didn't even earn him a snigger, Josh tried to pull away to get a better look at her face. But Donna just buried herself deeper into his arms.

"Uncomfortable is not the word," came her muffled voice. "It lacks the element of sheer torture."

"Donna?"

"She was fuming. I was trying to be as supportive as I could, but she wasn't even listening to a word I had to say. Then she rounded on me and yelled 'Why should I trust you? You're married to _him_!' She didn't even have the respect to call you by name," Donna pulled back to look at Josh, a cold anger simmering in her eyes. "I told her that I would do everything in my power to help her make it through this mess with as much as grace as humanly possible... but if she thought I would divorce my husband just to make her more comfortable, she would need a new Chief of Staff."

"Donna..." Josh breathed, running his hands over her shirt... or rather his shirt which she'd donned when she'd decided she needed to pack sooner rather than later. "She didn't mean it. She was at a level of pain I don't ever want to imagine and she was lashing out without knowing what her words would do to you. She'll apologize as soon as she realizes."

"She already has. But Josh, that's not the point," she stated, burying herself against him again, finding comfort in his warmth. "I always suspected she disapproved of our marriage, but I just told myself I was being over sensitive. That I wasn't used to being so open about our relationship. But not only does she not approve, she counts it against me. No one has ever respected me less for loving you. No one. Not Will. Not Lou. Not anyone. Except her. And I leave with her tomorrow for two weeks in Chicago, followed by who knows how long in any place where Matt Santos isn't."

"Don't remind me," her husband grumbled, as he moved his hands down to her bare thighs.

"Josh..."

"Seriously, do you think you could come down with a case of the measles or something? Because otherwise I'm never going to see you!"

"Josh, I've been vaccinated against the measles. But it's not like I can stay away from the office indefinitely. Or from you. Tried that before. It was awful. But blaming Helen Santos is not going to change that it's my job to go with her in the morning."

"I'm not blaming Mrs. Santos for this mess. I blame her husband, that's who I blame. I don't care what his reasons are. The Democratic Party is facing yet another sex scandal because he forgot who he was!"

"It all comes down to sex doesn't it?"

"For me or for him?"

"Josh!"

"Hey, I'm just grateful that she isn't an intern."

"You know who she is?"

"Yes."

"And?"

"You really, really don't want to know."

"You're serious."

"Very."

"Josh, it's just that I keep thinking… and I know I'm just being silly and I feel horrible that I could even think that because there's no way it could be her. But the thing is, it got into my head somehow and I just can't get it out. I just need you to tell me that it...."

"It's not Ronna."

"Okay. Yeah, that would be more upsetting. But Josh... Oh, God... It is, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"I just never thought she would... that she could... I mean, she doesn't always... But this is something completely different. She doesn't do things like this. She's not that person," Donna said with conviction.

"She loves him, Donna. It's written all over her face. I don't think she can help it."

"What about him?"

"Who the hell knows? Either way, he's going to break her heart."

"What did he say when he told you?"

"He didn't."

"The President didn't tell you?"

"No. A couple of months ago, Sam caught what he called a stray 'vibe' between them and came to me, mostly to reassure himself that he was imagining things. Except he wasn't. I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but I'm thinking that this... _this_ is a fairly recent thing. But for all we know it's been going on since the transition... or even before. Not that it matters. As soon as I found out, I had to do something about it. He wasn't violating any laws... except a few moral ones. But there was no way I was going to stand by and silently condone... It was wrong. Wrong for the kids. Wrong for his wife. Wrong for the country. God... wrong for her! What kind of friend would I be if I just left her in that situation?"

"Compulsive fixer."

"Probably. The President sure as hell didn't thank me for involving myself. Tried to tell me it was none of my business." Now it was Donna's turn to soothe and offer comfort. She held him tightly as Josh continued with his head buried in the crook of her neck. "I told him if this costs us the election it would sure as hell be my business. Told him either he'd have to tell his wife or I would, so that the East Wing wouldn't be blindsided by this. I don't think I've ever spoken to a President like that."

"It worked."

"Yeah."

"Is this going to hurt us?"

"Probably. The President's bedroom activities will get more attention than anything he tries to do in the Oval Office. And we are not going to discuss any bedroom activities that might have taken place in the Oval Office."

"No, I meant, is this going to hurt _us_? You and me. The Chief of Staff sleeping with his former assistant."

"The Chief of Staff _married_ to his former assistant... who now happens to be a Chief of Staff herself. And no, they won't touch us. They can't. When we got married, the papers went for the whole stupid Cinderella fairytale angle. They can't sleaze it up now; it's too late. They did their job too well before."

"I never thought I'd be grateful for all that publicity."

"Yeah, no kidding. Donna, you do realize that if this comes out... and it will come out... it's going to be worse than anything that we faced with President Bartlet's MS. Things will be torn apart and the press will hound everyone. There's nothing titillating about a man keeping his illness to himself. Sex in the Oval Office is a totally different ballgame. A Congressional investigation will seem like the easy way out. We're going to be dragged through the mud and everything we attempt from now on is going to be overshadowed by this... even if we manage to win re-election. And we won't if the Republicans figure out what's going on."

"I know," Donna replied as she nuzzled his neck and then grew serious. "We have to talk about what's next. We can't stay as we are."

"I don't know... I'm finding this position pretty comfortable," Josh observed as he ran his hands up and under his stolen dress shirt.

"Josh, be serious. You have a boss that doesn't listen to you and I have a boss that doesn't trust me. We can't work like this. Not when we're facing what we know has to be coming."

"You're right," he sighed. "You're right."

"You don't want to hear this, I know, but it's time."

"To leave? And do what? I left Hoynes because I found someone I could believe in, someone I could fight for. I left President Bartlet because I believed the party had more to offer than just Bingo Bob. Though I might have been more successful if I'd tried to turn Vinick into a Democrat."

"You did a brilliant thing, Josh. Never doubt that. You found the man who could have led this country into a new Golden Age."

"Too bad he had feet of clay."

"You can't control who you fall in love with. You know that."

"You can control what you do about it. Do you know how often I wanted to pin you against the nearest flat surface and not let you loose until you had screamed my name? But I never did. I never even tried. You were my assistant and there was a line. A big, black, immovable line. And if we'd crossed it, it would have cost us everything. I'd have been just another guy who banged his ditzy blond secretary. You deserved better than that. There were rumors and dirty jokes at our expense, of course, but most people knew that we never did anything dishonorable. So, we were allowed to break every other rule as long as we never violated the important one."

"You could act like my husband. But you could never _be_ my husband."

"Something like that. At least, not until you left my shadow and were finally seen as your own woman. Not that you weren't always, but everybody knows it now. There's not a legislator or lobbyist who wouldn't jump at the chance to hire you."

"_I_ may have options. But you can write you own ticket anywhere. You _are_ the party, Josh. You're the heir of Jed Bartlet and Leo McGarry. You don't have to wait for the next thing to happen. You can create it. You just have to decide what's next."

"Or, you know, I could always become an exotic dancer or something," Josh offered with eyebrows raised. It was a lousy joke. But, like most lousy jokes, it effectively cracked them both up and alleviated some of the gut-twisting tension they both had been carrying.

"Nah," laughed Donna. "Your little fangirls already want to take a hit out on me. We don't want to give them even more incentive!"

"Yeah, we don't need that. So, we'll go with Plan B then. Now I just have to figure out what that is. What about you? What do you want out of the near future?"

"Me? I plan on getting knocked up."

"Wait... WHAT!?"

"It seems like a good time in my career."

"You did mean by me, right?"

"No, Josh, I meant one of the other gomers I married!"

"Should I take a number?"

"I think there's something else you should be taking."

"You serious?"

"Very. I'm ready. I want to start a family. I want to start our family."

"What about your job?"

"I'd rather spend my time with our baby than with grown ups who act like babies. I can always find something later. But for now, I want to concentrate on this."

"Take as long as you want. Even with me searching for the next big thing, we can make this work."

"Thanks. You're not freaking out even a little, are you?"

"Nope. I'm ready, too."

"So, are you in?"

"Oh, definitely."

"Okay," Donna said, rising to her knees, her hands finding the waistband of his boxers. "So, you want keeping talking about it or do you want to do something about it?"

"Well, they don't call me a man of action for nothing," Josh replied, lifting his hips.

"Josh, nobody calls you a man of action," Donna grinned, as she settled back down against him, causing him to groan in anticipation.

"Like that matters. Didn't anyone ever tell you that actions speak louder than words?" he smirked as he stole back his shirt and sent it flying across the room for the second time that night.


	2. Best Keep This To Myself

Title: Best Keep This To Myself  
Series: Things Not Meant To Be (Part 2 of 4)  
Originally published: April 14, 2007  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Ronna hears something she wasn't supposed to.

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_Why is this song so sad..._

**.**

_October 2009_

This is not what it was supposed to be like.

I had such expectations at the start of all this. Debbie had shown me what her life had been like and told me what mine would be. I stood at the threshold of the Oval Office with such anticipation. Everything was so amazing and orderly. It was the promise of a world that never came to be.

Debbie never told me that Senior Staff meetings would often resemble a stock exchange with all the noise and the yelling. She never told me that very little governing would be done as a result. She never told me what to do when the First Lady marched into the Oval Office with the sole intention of picking a needless fight or handing out a guilt trip. She never told me, because she never knew that world.

Things hadn't been good for a long time. The fractures had probably been there for years. Maybe since the very beginning. Now this.

I found out by accident. It was late and I wasn't supposed to be there. They certainly had no idea that they had an audience. He was leaning against his desk, hands on her shoulders with his head bent to hers. She was trying so hard not to cry and failing miserably. Even if I hadn't heard them speak, I think that image alone would have told me what was happening. I wanted to join Margaret in her sobbing.

Josh Lyman was leaving us.

I knew I should let Josh and Margaret have their privacy to discuss his future plans, but I was rooted to the spot. Call me an eavesdropper or a spy. I don't care. I wanted—needed—to hear what was going to happen now.

"So are you going to do this?"

"I think so. At least for a little while."

"The President asked you to, didn't he?"

She was clearly not talking about Matt Santos.

"What the...? How do you know everything?! I swear, Leo was right about you listening through keyholes!"

"I heard the two of you talking at the library dedication."

"About the midterm elections!"

"It was the way you were talking about them. Like you were already in office."

"And you're positive the CIA never tried to recruit you?"

"Positive."

"No wonder our foreign intelligence is such a mess. The President isn't the only the reason I'm doing it, Margaret. I've been planning to leave for a while now."

"I know. But I'd figured it wouldn't happen until after the election."

"So did I. And I was certainly never considering the chair of the DNC. But the President makes a strong case."

"How much time do we have before we leave?"

"Margaret," Josh gasped with amazement. "I didn't... I never...."

He cleared his throat, visibly moved. This was so typical of Josh Lyman. For a man who gave unconditional loyalty, he was always surprised when it was returned.

"I never expected...." he tried again. "You've held this post longer than anyone else has held theirs. I won't be able to offer you anything on this level."

"I followed my head not my heart when I chose not to follow Leo like I'd originally planned and I've never regretted anything more. I'm not about to make that mistake again."

This conversation was becoming far more private than even my suddenly _laissez-faire_ conscience could allow. I slipped down the darkened halls of the West Wing, trying unsuccessfully to keep my emotions in check. This, more than anything else, was the worst thing that could have happened to us. But I wasn't surprised. I've seen Josh's frustration at the President's increasing inflexibility. Then, at the Dedication of the Bartlet Library, Josh seemed different, less one of "us" and more one of "them." It was a subtle change. He was more the favored son of the previous administration than the leader of the current one.

Until recently, Josh and the President had never been openly opposed. I realize now that there must have been times when they disagreed, but we never saw it. Josh made sure it never filtered down to us. But then Matt Santos did something that Josh could not pretend to condone.

It was only a matter of time after that.

Josh Lyman is a one-woman man. So it would stand to reason that the concept of infidelity would baffle him. But he managed to shrug off his bewilderment and work for men like John Hoynes, I suppose, because he never considered their personal choices to be something about which he could reasonably voice an opinion. But the fact that the President was now involved with a member of his staff meant that it automatically became a problem that would affect all of us. And if news of his affair ever leaked outside the West Wing, we would have more problems than we could ever have imagined.

Josh had always put the good of the country before his own self-interest. The way he used to look on Donna sometimes when we were on the campaign trail was heartbreaking. I never understood why he didn't just ask her out for a cup of coffee. I mean, she worked for Russell, but it wasn't like she was a Republican. Then I realized that unlike so many of his colleagues, Josh Lyman had never crossed the line with the woman who had been his assistant. Not even after she was nearly killed in Gaza. Because it would have been wrong. A man like that would never be able to understand another man who was willing to risk everything that everyone had worked so hard to achieve just for some sex on the side.

I've worked with Matt Santos for years and I saw things. I learned that many of the rumors were true. That despite a seemingly happy marriage with a healthy sex life, the then-Congressman would occasionally... look elsewhere. Especially when Helen was in Texas with no intention of coming to visit for months. He would find a young woman to have a quiet, meaningless relationship with for a month or two and then allow it to fizzle out. If Helen knew, I'm sure she dismissed it as unimportant. It was nothing to threaten what she had. Some people look at marriage like that.

But that sort of marriage could never survive the scrutiny to which the First Family is constantly subjected. We hadn't even taken office when the first cracks began to show. And it only got worse. I wondered how I could possibly refuse when the President finally, inevitably, asked me to take his wife off "The List". Surely, this wasn't what Debbie had had in mind? But in the end, that wasn't what happened. Josh instituted a policy in light of the war (whether at home or in Kazakhstan, he never did say) that the Oval would be at Code Word Clearance Only whenever the senior staff was present. And then he made sure that either he or Sam was staffing the President at all times. The First Lady was effectively blocked; which was just as well, seeing as these days, whenever she entered the Oval Office it was to let the President know that he was a jerk and a screw up and that the misery that was her life was solely his fault. (When faced with that every day, I guess it really isn't all that surprising that the President would turn to someone who was his wife's complete opposite... someone who thrived on politics and the thrill of that world.) But Josh's maneuvering put a visible strain on his own marriage. He wasn't just blocking the First Lady; he was limiting his wife's effectiveness. I could see the frustration in Donna's eyes whenever she made her way over to the West Wing. She and Josh stopped leaving work at the same time and sneaking out for lunch together. It seemed to me that being together was too painful for them. I had forgotten how melancholy Josh had looked when we first met. Now I knew why. I began to wonder if this was going to be the first marriage to ever dissolve because of the infidelity of an outside party!

Then, Donna left with First Lady on the Chicago trip and Josh trudged into work the next morning as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. I thought the worse had happened, but I was wrong. Margaret, who had been sick with worry for months, was actually giddy all day. And though Josh was certainly sad, he roamed the halls with a new purpose and determination. Clearly the Lyman household had stopped suffering the ills of the Santos' marriage. And if that wasn't proof enough, when the First Lady finally consented to return, Donna, who was never one for public displays of lust, greeted her husband under the eyes of the President, most of the Senior Staff and a very disapproving First Lady with a kiss filled with so much passion and yearning I was surprised the two of them didn't spontaneously combust right there on the spot.

Thanks to the First Lady, Josh and Donna have been apart more than they've been together these past few months. But they've apparently been making what little time they'd had together count. I don't think anyone else has noticed yet, but in another four or five months, there will be another Lyman in the world. I supposed I should have realized what a baby would mean, though. But I was just so reluctant to imagine how this place could function without Josh Lyman that my brain refused to process it.

There had been a slow, inevitable shift during the campaign. When we first started out, it had just been me and Ned and our first loyalty (as much as an opportunist like Ned can be loyal) had been to Matt Santos, not this political machine called Josh Lyman. Bram coming on board heralded a change in the nature in the staff. He was loyal to Matt Santos above all else, of course, but he would give Josh the shirt off his back without question. Literally. After we won the nomination, the shift became more pronounced. Edie, who used to work for Senator Tillman, was the first staff member to have known Josh for more than a few months and it showed in the way the two worked together. Lou only joined the campaign because of her respect for Josh. Lester had actually worked for three years in White House Operations and it was clear that he would follow Josh just about anywhere. Then, of course, came Donna. As it stands now, most of the people here may respect the Office of the President, but their loyalty belongs solely to Josh Lyman. I don't know what we'll do when he leaves. Sam just doesn't command the same level of devotion.

Lately, I've been catching myself doodling a campaign slogan. People would call me crazy if they knew what I was thinking. It's an idea more than ten years ahead of its time. And even if that time should come, there would still be the difficult task of convincing him. But I don't care. The thought is enough. It reminds me that Jed Bartlet was not the last of his kind. That there are still honorable men with brilliant minds eager to serve and willing to sacrifice all for their country. And I was lucky enough to work for one of them. So I don't care what anyone thinks.

Lyman for America. Now and always.


	3. Tilting At Windmills

Title: Tilting At Windmills  
Series: Things Not Meant To Be (Part 3 of 4)  
Originally published: May 16, 2007  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Sam has issues of his own that he needs to deal with.

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_Dreaming the dreams I dreamed, my friend..._

**.**

_March 2010  
_  
You hate goodbye parties on a general principle. But this one in particular is pure torture. You've been reduced to sulking by the punch bowl with a fake smile plastered on your face, not wanting to stay, but unable to manufacture a good enough excuse to leave. It's officially Donna's last day today. The day she was supposed to start her maternity leave. But you're told that babies follow their own schedules and Noah Leonard Lyman decided to come three weeks early. Today is his first outing. It's as if fate is rubbing your own stupidity in your face.

You wonder if you got the worst of both your parents. Your father's blind self-interest and your mother's ability to only see her preferred delusion, even when the truth was staring her in the face. But even you had to face the realization that your Dulcinea will forever be beyond your reach. Not that having a baby automatically means happily ever after. You're evidence of that. Hell, so are the Santos kids. But in this case, the kid's living proof that your best friend and the girl you're in love with share a bond that cannot be severed.

Years from now, some romantic sod will write about the great unrequited love story of the Bartlet Administration. It won't matter if the focus is on Donna or Josh, they will have got it wrong. You were the one pining.

You don't know when it started. Maybe when you were so distraught over the discovery of your father's affair and she looked after you. Or maybe back during the first campaign when things were ending with Lisa and Donna was a ray of sunshine in your life. But you really started to notice it during President Bartlet's re-election campaign. You can admit to yourself now that you had visions of returning to DC in triumph after your successful campaign in California and sweeping Donna off her feet. But you lost. And Donna had gotten herself involved with a guy. And, for once, Josh didn't seem to be trying to interfere. It was as though the moment had passed.

Not that anything you had planned or wished for mattered. Donna didn't want a knight in shinning armor who would sweep her off on his white charger. She wanted an obnoxious, stressed-out workaholic with a receding hairline who would sweep her off on an airplane for a week's vacation. And truthfully, she deserved nothing less.

The irony of the unwitting role you had in Josh's courtship of Donna does not escape you. You had wondered why Josh decided that your engagement would be worth mentioning to the President-Elect of the United States. It took you a while to realize that it was because Josh Lyman, confirmed bachelor, was trying to work out how to be married to Donna and still be the guy the guy counts on. And without realizing what you were doing, you handed him the way to do just that. Josh is smarter than most. (Smarter than you.) He would have figured it out on his own. But you made it easier and that's just something you're going to have to live with.

You risk a glance over at Donna. Amy has presented her with a large lumpy package with a misshapen balloon creation on top. (You honestly don't understand that woman.) Donna has accepted it with her usual grace.

"She's glowing."

You jump and turn to face a smirking Josh Lyman with a bundle of blankets cradled in his arms. And then you take a closer look. Oh. Correction. You're faced with two smirking Lymans, not one. Can babies smirk? Because Noah is clearly smirking.

"Sam?"

"Right. Sorry. You were saying?"

"Donna. She looks good, doesn't she?"

"Yes." He just caught you looking at his wife. It's not like you can pretend you hadn't noticed.

"I mean, more than the new mother thing. You can tell she's happy again. She was worried about taking this job, you know."

As a matter of fact, you do know. Donna had come to you a few months ago and confided that CJ's charity was starting a global AIDS initiative, and that CJ wanted her to craft the legislative agenda. Not realizing that it was a DC job, you, of course, thought that this would mean that Donna would be moving out to California... and that, in turn, meant that Josh and Donna were having problems again. You were certain that this meant there was a West Coast romance in your near future. Not wanting to seem too eager, you had mumbled some platitudes about the job being a great opportunity, that even Josh would have to see that and wouldn't it be better if she talked it over with him? She'd responded with a sigh and told you not to worry about it.

But you won't tell Josh that. Instead you make some noncommittal noise, signaling him to continue.

"The whole thing with Mrs. Santos would be enough to make anyone want to keep a little professional distance. And here's CJ offering her a job."

"What's wrong with that?!" you ask, completely lost.

"Nothing. But CJ as her boss... That's like the total opposite of professional distance!"

"I... never thought of it like that."

"I wasn't much of a help. My philosophy was that anything that got her out of her current situation was a good thing. Fortunately, she talked to Toby and he helped to set her straight."

"Toby?"

"Yeah. Nobody knows CJ better. After the whole debacle with Mrs. Santos, Donna was worried about taking a job with someone who knew so much about her personal life. I mean, CJ and Donna... You wouldn't think of them as best friends, but they have each others back without question and can speak honestly with each other without worrying that the other will be offended. They've been like that since the first Bartlet campaign. It's like they're war buddies, or something. I think Donna just needed to be reminded that CJ would never treat her with anything less than respect."

"Well... Ummm...." God. What a jackass Donna must have thought you were. What a blind, selfish jackass. She was looking for practical reassurances and you could only see your personal fantasy.

"Hey! You want to hold him?" Josh offers suddenly, preparing to pass the squirming bundle over to you.

"No, no. It's perfectly alright," you exclaim, praying, as you back away, that your voice doesn't sound as panicked as you feel.

"Haven't you ever held a baby before?" Josh asks in the same tone he would use on someone he suspected of never having voted.

"I was the youngest," you defend.

"So was I! You mean to tell me you've never been around babies before?"

"Of course I have! It's just... Nobody ever expected me to... touch them. They probably figured it was safer that way."

"Well, we can't have that! Otherwise, you're liable to drop your own first born on his head the moment they hand him to you!" he laughs. And then he shows you how to hold his son.

Josh doesn't know that this is the closest you'll ever come to holding a child of your own. Your wife isn't maternal and thinks having a child, feeling as she does, would be abuse, pure and simple. She was very open about it when you were first dating so that you could get out if you had a more traditional vision of what it meant to be a family. You know she won't change her mind. But it's just like you to want something you can't have. Just like there is a part of you deep down somewhere that knows that if Donna had ever showed the slightest sign of returning your feelings, you would have lost interest. Laurie. Mallory. Ainsley. You seem to be attracted only to women who give the appearance of needing to be rescued. You're more attracted to the complication than to the girl herself.

Nothing in this administration has turned out the way that it was supposed to... but maybe, if you are honest, you can admit that this one thing... the Josh and Donna thing... turned out exactly the way it should.

It wasn't the make out session in front of the entire world that was the reality beam that finally hit you over the head. Physical attraction you can understand. No, it happened a few days later. You had entered Josh's office late one night to talk about some minutiae of the Keiz/Drummer Report to find Donna sitting on his lap. They were discussing what effect the proposed trade agreement with India might have on child labor. There was nothing sexual or come-hither about their pose, not like it would have had it been the President and Mrs. Santos way back when they were still speaking to each other. But it did remind you of another Presidential couple. While you had never actually seen Dr. Bartlet sit on her husband's lap, the former First Couple regularly used to hold hands during quiet moments. And still do, for all you know. You now realize that thinking you could ever have offered Donna something more than that was surely the worst form of narcissism.

Your father's stupidity hurt his wife and family. Your President's stupidity will hurt his family, his staff, his legacy, his party, and, most likely, the country. The only person you've hurt with your own stupidity is yourself. And you suppose that has to count for something.


	4. The Honorable Thing

Title: The Honorable Thing  
Series: Things Not Meant To Be (Part 4 of 4)  
Originally published: May 23, 2007  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: The Other Woman mulls things over.

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_Loving the love I love... _

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_August 2010  
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When she was little, she used to listen to her grandmother wax nostalgic about the love of Edward VIII for Wallis Simpson. Even as a child, she'd never been able to understand what was so admirable about a king who was prepared to give up everything just so he could get married. Her heroes were Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Mary Wollstonecraft and Alice Paul. Women who changed the world by using only their brains and their sheer will. Not because they were good in bed. She wanted to continue their legacy. But somehow she's become Wallis, not Alice.

This wasn't something she had planned and she finds herself questioning everything. Why had she allowed herself to make a mockery of everything she believed in? What had changed in the year since New Hampshire? Why had her insides suddenly started to melt when he was nearby? Was power really that much of an aphrodisiac? Probably.

But it was more than that. For the first time since she'd met him, she had experienced the full force of his charisma and charm. She never asks herself why he had turned it on for her that night, of all nights, because she suspects that she would not like the answer. But then, she doesn't look too closely at her own motivations, either. The sudden, disastrous end of her love affair just as she was certain it would go the distance. The salt in the wound of another woman's tropical vacation when she already felt like a failure. Even the distain that Helen Santos handed her while she was still innocent of any betrayal. They all were factors, even if she prefers not to think about it. But she has to if she wants to figure out how she got here.

She knows that things aren't the way they should have been, but she can't seem to set things to rights. The election is only months away, but no one would know it, given the staff's apathy. There is a definite chill in the West Wing. She isn't sure whether it's directed at her specifically or if it's a general loss of morale. Either way, because of the general ill will, she's been abandoning her office during her lunch hour to walk around the city, even in the heavy, humid DC summer air.

For some reason she can't quite put her finger on, she doesn't walk up toward Farragut and Dupont Circle like she normally does. Instead, she heads south towards the Washington Monument and blends in with the tourists as much as a woman in business casual can. Though she walks in the direction of the Capitol, she continues along Independence Avenue, so the building isn't within her line of sight. On impulse, she turns into the gardens in front of the Smithsonian Castle, with half a mind to sit by the water fountain in front of the Arts and Industry Building. The actual fountain, in the shape of a waterfall, is on one side of an octagonal area, enclosed by low walls, but there are smaller fountains (really nothing more than water spigots) at each corner of the walls, smaller waterfalls in the middle of four of the walls and a large water spout in the center that can shoot six feet into the air, much to the delight of small children and overheated adults, giving the illusion that the entire octagon is one large water fountain. It's a pretty place and rather soothing, as she had discovered during a function a few years back. But she stops short before she quite gets there.

Josh and Donna are sitting to one side, taking animatedly to each other, with the baby between them. Perhaps next summer, Noah will join the small children running around the center water spout, but for now he seems to be content to sit (or squirm—he is Josh's son, after all) in his mother's arms as she and Josh debate... DNC policy? Which museum to visit next? Diaper changing techniques? A combination of all three, for all she knows. Their discussion is interrupted when Noah manages to kick the nearby water spigot, splashing his father. His parents laugh and Josh leans down and waves his finger in mock admonishment. Noah just squeals with glee and throws himself at his father leaving wet, drooly, open mouth baby-style kisses on his jaw. Josh laughs even harder and takes Noah from Donna. Her shoulders still shaking with laughter, Donna reaches down to pull out a cloth from her diaper bag to dry her husband's face, as Noah reaches out and grabs at Josh's nose, dislodging his sunglasses. Josh and Donna look at each other over their son's head, their faces alight with joy and amazement. Even from where she is hovering, she can tell they are both astonished that they've been granted this perfect moment. There must have been times when it seemed as likely as a weekend trip to Jupiter.

She slips away silently before she can be noticed and returns to her office, quiet, introspective and inspired. Seeing the Lymans has caused her mind to travel paths that she had never considered before.

While she still worked for Senator Stackhouse, a young Congressman made the mistake of making a dirty joke at Josh and Donna's expense and wound up on the receiving end of a long lecture by the Senator about respect, projecting one's own guilty conscience and finding dishonor where none existed. For the longest time, she had considered the Senator's speech to just be another example of the man's obstinacy. She had never considered the deeper ramifications. Josh was able to do his job effectively because he had the respect of men of honor like Senator Stackhouse, which was thanks largely to the honorable manner in which Josh conducted his own personal life.

Back then, Josh wasn't married to anyone. Neither was Donna. Theoretically, there was nothing standing in their way if they wanted to peruse a romantic relationship. Except for the fact that Donna was Josh's assistant. If they had become involved, everything she earned both before and after that would be attributed to what she was doing in the bedroom, not the office. She would never have been given the respect that she received from the Hill. Because even as a lowly assistant, Donna had been able to command respect. That was something of which she had always been secretly envious.

She had never considered Josh and Donna's relationship to be noble—if she'd ever considered it at all. But she now knows first hand how extraordinarily hard it is to stay away from the person you love simply because it is the right thing to do.

She knows it's too late for her to do the right thing from the beginning as Josh and Donna had. That moment passed by long ago when Matt offered her a chance to throw rocks and fix things from the inside. She thinks she fell in love in that moment and it didn't bother her a bit. But she knows better now. Every moment she stays by his side, pretending that nothing is wrong, she slowly undermines the trust given to the office of the President and the integrity of the administration.

There is only one way she knows to make this right. In the morning, the President will find a letter waiting for him.

_I, Amy Gardner, after four years of loyal service resign the post of Director of Legislative Affairs, effective immediately..._

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End Note: I suppose you might be wondering where this all came from. I had long thought that the Santos marriage could very well crack under the strain of the Oval Office. You just did not see the deep bond between them in Season 7 that you did with between Jed and Abbey Bartlet. So why Amy? Because I was stuck by the obvious chemistry between Mary Louise Parker and Jimmy Smits in _Requiem_. (And the obvious disdain that Helen Santos had for Amy in _The Last Hurrah_ had its influence too.) The only drawback to this plan that I could see was that Amy was Josh's ex-girlfriend and I was a notorious Josh and Donna shipper. I didn't want people to think I was Amy bashing, because that's not what this series was about at all! It's about what happens when your demons overcome your better angels. So, I decided to keep her identity secret for as long as possible in hopes that I could shift people's thinking a bit.


End file.
